You see this type of writing, often, in new writers, like myself.
He was afraid to look up at her, but when he did, he was surprised at how easy that was.
Yikes! Is right. That was written without the experience of it.
You can improve your writing dramatically when you learn to role-play. So put the laptop or keyboard to the side and stand up. Get into your character’s head and look down at your feet. Now pretend he or she is standing in front of you. Lift your head.
How were you standing? What did you see? What were you feeling? Was it something like…
He was afraid to look up, his gloves placed neatly by his side, his focus on the single blueberry shaped stone that rolled beneath his boot.
Now look up, idiot, before she leaves, he told himself.
She was slight, with thin ankles disappearing beneath the cuffs of her EVA that, like her eyes, were a pale blue. To his surprise, her parted smile made him feel, at ease. There, that wasn’t so bad. Now say something…
“Hey…” he said without thinking… There, you said it… his shyness slipping further away…
Ok, so aside from the wordiness, you now see and feel what your character is experiencing and you conveyed that to your readers. Trim it. Print it.
I often do this when I don’t quite feel the writing is expressing what I want it to. For anyone watching me, I might look a bit crazy, typing away then suddenly stop… get up and walk to the other side of the room, relax, shake out my arms, turn around and start to walk back, as if my character is entering the scene. Try doing that at a Starbucks… LOL. I write at home these days… Eventually, you will need to do less of this as the writing improves. But there are always times you should express this type of role-playing, no matter how good you think you are.
I am in the editing phase of a sci-fi novel which takes place twenty light years away in the solar system of Gliese 581, specifically on 581 g, a planet in tidal lock orbit around its sun—a red dwarf, dimmer than our own. I had always been a bit leery of my expression of the lighting, trying to get across what being on the surface of Gliese 581 g would be like. Sure, pictures help, but how do I experience that? Do I try writing in the dark or wear sunglasses?
It was not until I read a post on www.io9 about an artist rendering of what it would be like to sit on Pluto and see what one might see—our sun a pinpoint in the distance. One of the replies to the post questioned the artist’s licensing of how much light there would be. Instead of knocking the artist’s judgment, that clever person did some research and found a NASA site, called Pluto Time.
where you plug in your location and it tells you what time of day you should go outside to see exactly what the brightest part of a day on Pluto would look like. So I did. I plugged in my location (NYC) and it spit out that my optimal viewing time would be 6:54 PM on September 24th, 2015. This type of role-playing I think will provide the needed perspective in my editing. It does not have to mimic exactly, but I hope to have an experience to recall what that was like, pretending to be on Gliese 581 g.
So, as my Amazon Echo announced my alarm at exactly 6:54 PM, I stepped outside my city apartment and had a look and walk around. Not bad. I could see easily and it was a beautiful evening sky, everything seemed to have this softness to it, an attribute I had not considered. I cannot stress how valuable this experience was for me, as I now trail behind my characters, following them on their trek and seeing what they are seeing. Costumes, optional.
For any AstroProgrammers out there reading this, it would be great to take the Pluto-Time model and expand it for other star-types, etc. For example: You select from a series of dropdown menus a star type and distance away, and it asks for you to enter in your location and it spits out what time of day to go outside, which closely resembles what the lighting might be like. 😉